My New Year's Resolution

I have never given much stock to the idea of a New Year's resolution.  I don't like the idea.  People start with grand ideas of losing weight or quitting smoking or whatever, and by February, the whole plan is off track and forgotten soon after that.  So ten to eleven months of going back to one's old habits, only to be followed by another empty self-promise at the turn of another year.


That being said, I've decided to make a New Year's resolution for once.


It's lengthy, and it's a work in progress.  It will be under constant revision and edit.  And I will have to evaluate it's effectiveness from time to time.  But, here goes:


I refuse to continue living off of table scraps and leftovers of life.  No longer will I accept fleeting moments of attention.  I will not take brief, rare moments from other people that are thrown at me like pocket change to a bum.  I will stop trying to survive on the thin, wispy air of acquaintance.  And no longer will I beg, whether literally or figuratively, for the affections of another.


I ask -- no, I demand -- to be allowed to fill my lungs with the life-sustaining breath of love and friends.  My own friends.  My own loves.


I deserve to be as important to other people as they are to me.  Gone are the days where I give all, losing all sense of who I am, just to please other people, only to be taken for granted and tossed aside when I can provide no further gain.


Footprints across my heart I may allow to remain, provided the path taken doesn't include footprints across my back.


To those I have allowed into my life and into my heart, feel privileged.  Those people who enrich my life, who make me a more complete person, I thank you, and promise you my heart, my head, my hands, whenever you need them.


To those who take from me and never give, or who use me for their own gain, 2012 is the year I bid you... adieu.

UPDAAAATE!!!!

Ok, I realize I haven't posted to this blog in a while.  I seem to only be creative when I'm in a depressed or down mood.  I gotta change that.  :)

So, here's the update....

I AIN'T SKEER'D NO MORE!!!! 

Fear

Fear, the ultimate obstacle.  I'm not talking about "that lion is about to eat me" or the "was that State Trooper I just passed?" kind of fear.  I'm talking about the kind of fear that stops you in your tracks, seizes your vocal chords, brings the whole world to a complete standstill.  

The type of fear that catches your words before they can come out and shoves them to the side, or twists and changes them into something completely different before they're uttered.  

The fear that stops you from saying what your heart and mind want to say, no, need to say. 

That fear that won't let you, that holds you in place, stammering, sweating, heart racing, gasping for breath, unable to focus and have a clear thought.

The fear that keeps you from moving forward and reminds you that you could easily lose what's already behind you.

And the worst part of that fear is when it's not unfounded, unwarranted, or irrational.

So, yeah.  I'm afraid.  Scared to death.

Friends

So...what if I said I didn't want to be your friend anymore?

Sports metaphors and standing on the edge

Ok, so, am I Babe Ruth or Pete Rose?

Do I shoulder my bat, point to the fence, call my shot, and hope my planets are properly aligned and I knock it out of the park?

Or, do I screw up miserably to the point where the mere mention of my name is the punch line to a cruel joke?

Can I risk it all and put my head on the chopping block...again? Do I dare take that chance with so much to lose?

Hmmm.

Ok, so, it's kinda obvious that I don't make entries to this blog every day.  Not even every week.  And I'm sorta torn.  I want to make an entry now (well, evidently I AM doing just that), but several days of rampant insomnia have left my brain like so much oatmeal.  I find it ever increasingly difficult to form a cognizant, coherent thought, much less be able to put those thoughts "on paper," as it were.

I've had quite a bit on my mind lately, as well.  Some good, some bad, from "friendly kisses" to bills to unexpected financial windfalls to attacks of conscience to positive and negative self-realizations.  Hey, nobody said I DIDN'T have A.D.D.

All I know is IT'S COLD.  I'm tired of low temps.  I'm tired of runny or clogged noses.  I'm tired of high electric bills in a still-cold house.  I'm just... tired.

Maybe one day soon, when I've had an adequate amount of sleep and an equal amount of time to devote to posting a decent blog entry, I'll be able to get some of these thoughts that have been buzzing around in my gourd out and free into the world.  Sigh.

Until then, I'm going to do the best I can.  Double sigh.

For those of you playing the home game...

Well, not to be one to skip out on random thoughts that leave the very few people who bother to read this scratching their heads and asking WTF? or some other internet acronym (or simply just a random grouping of letters)... I present to you the following items, descriptions, or actions I must perform from my varied and lengthy agenda at some point Sunday (in no particular order):

• 5/32
• black (preferably teflon coated)
• fuel
• 1.25 - 1.3 inches
• bake, if I can find an oven large enough
• mounts
• cable bill (surprisingly, not mine)
• lead
• flirt shamelessly via text
• football

Oh yeah, sleep and food at some point, interspersed.  And I'm hoping for tons of the former.

With that, I bid (both) my loyal (?) readers a fond adieu.